In His Life
by Archangel Barton
Summary: *edited* Sendoh Akira looks back in his past and realizes the changes in his life from the moment Rukawa Kaede came. [SenRu; One-shot]


Title: In His Life  
Author: Archangel  
  
Pairing: SenRu  
Genre: Drama  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own them.  
  
In His Life  
By Archangel  
  
Today, my only living father requested that I stay for the night…in his bed. At the age of 78, I do not expect my father to continue living for the next decade and even for the next five years. And I believe he himself expects to be taken into the next life tonight. I could only cry from the thought of it. I loved him so much…I loved them too much that I cannot bear another loss. And as I listen to the last words of my father, Sendoh Akira, I shed tears for the happiness I see in his face…as he nears his husband's embrace.  
  
***   
  
"I remember the first time Kaede and I met. It was in a basketball practice game where I came in late. He was cool, calm, and dignified. Yes he was. Although he was a little cold…he seemed pretty hot as well, if you know what I mean.  
  
Rukawa Kaede was like forest fire. Burning hot and fast at the same time. He was very talented, an exceptionally good player with godly features that even I, Sendoh Akira did not miss.  
  
And in a flash, all of my girlfriends and my other reserves were wiped out of my life…all because of one man.  
  
I did everything to be close to Kaede. I even traded my funny comic books to Hikoichi just to get his phone number and to get me a reliable bridge inside Shohoku territory. And I succeeded in that, guess the playboy reputation was something to keep. My moves and punch lines from the past well kept in the consciousness of my brain.  
  
To cut the long story short, I was able to have an afternoon one-on-one session with my biggest crush…Rukawa Kaede. Well, not after all the stalking and bumping into him that I went through…and acting as if everything was so coincidental.  
  
So many one-on-one matches had passed, so many months had gone by…and each day I fell deeper and deeper for your father. I guess that charisma of his really kills the hedgehog over here. Until one afternoon, I couldn't control myself any longer…  
  
We were in the middle of the basketball court when we first kissed. Rain poured madly halfway in our game. Kaede was about to run off to a shelter like I expected him to but…sanity aside, I grabbed him by the arm, turned him to face me…and kissed him…publicly, in the middle of the rain, at the center of the court, halfway in the game. Then he ran away, right after looking deep into my eyes and muttering an almost inaudible 'baka'.  
  
I chased after him…he sure was fast. How can I run after a raging mountain bike anyway? And after 10 minutes of running, my legs gave in and I could only sigh in defeat. I walked wherever my feet took me, subconsciously looked for him, at the same time finding reasons to explain my uncontrollable actions, dying to tell him how much I loved him, but never really hoped for a reciprocated feeling. I was taught not to expect too much in life, yes…my father told me that.   
  
It was late when I reached the door to my house. I had my eyes downcast, walking blindly on my path and eventually I saw the same pair of shoes of the man I played basketball that same afternoon, that's an Air Jordan model, I can clearly remember. That white shoes with some red lines that was perfect for his godly feet. Those were the shoes of your father.  
  
He didn't come home after what happened earlier that day. He was still wearing the same sweat-soaked clothes, had the same look, had the same…everything - the beauty I admired the most. I started talking but he stopped me sternly…coldly. I recall him saying 'this is going to be the last time we're gonna see each other, Sendoh.' Then, he went away…as quickly as he entered my life.  
  
I lost my life then. A life that was never mine in the first place. How sad I thought my life had been since then.  
  
Then years had passed, we never really communicated. He had too much pride and like I said, dignified…overly dignified, that is. We only see each other in our conference games, guarded each other, did our obligations…and nothing more than that. I understand that we are professionals and we ought to be that way, but in reality, as I pretended to be strong, I was petrified…completely immobilized. For my biggest weakness was him. For the first time in my life, he was the one who broke my smiling façade by running away from me. He made me realize that I hold nothing of him, which was true back then.   
  
…he was my weakness for the reason that every second…I watch him drift away and I was there, physically present, yet helpless in the situation.  
  
In my last game as a regular member of the University of Tokyo Varsity Basketball Team, I had the privilege to have that last match with Kaede…and I didn't let the chance pass. After the game, I forced him to talk to me. That time, I thought that I should explain and he had every right to know how I felt, even if he didn't really intend to listen.  
  
And fortunately he did meet me at the parking lot. I really didn't care if he wore that icy glare and his prodigious pride. He's there…that's enough, and now everything was up to me - how I will confess, how I can and will handle the situation.  
  
I could only laugh as I recall how I confessed to Kaede. I blabbered the entire time…with no concrete thought or point at all. Then he stopped me, like he did that one night and asked me 'what do you want?'  
  
I could only stare at your father. Then realizing I had no sense at all, he left…again.  
  
Now I realized that your father was really like that - liked to leave behind stupefied people like me, run away from admirers like me, cold to senseless people like me, ignores pusillanimous people like me. All in all, Sendoh Akira was nothing to him but some basketball rival from Ryonan High that he played one-on-one in one point in his life. And that hurt like hell.   
  
For the second time, I lost my life…again, the life that was never mine…at that time.  
  
I never saw Kaede for the next 7 years.  
  
The next time I saw him was in an amusement park. I was with my girlfriend, Keiko when I saw you and your father. Then all of a sudden I realized that I still loved your father…even more than I loved Keiko. And I thought I made a complete fool out of her, making her a reason to forget about Kaede, just because I was fatally desperate to put him behind.  
  
I approached your father that time, he was surprised to see me…and of course Keiko. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. For the first time, your father talked to me seriously, the way I dreamt he would. Still, he seemed a little cold, but the fact that he entertained my presence was enough to be joyful about. Maybe because Keiko was there and he didn't want to disrespect women so he considered conversing with me, but by the time your father and I were together, he said he didn't know why he talked to me back then, he just felt like talking…for a change.  
  
How sweet your father was.  
  
Soon after, Keiko and I broke up. I told her my reasons and she accepted them wholeheartedly. She hated me at first, for being the bastard that I am, using her as a replacement for someone I couldn't get. Loved another when I pretended to love her. But indeed I loved her, she was exceptional…only that I loved Kaede more than I loved her. And still she's here…right in my heart, for someone who loved me completely and honestly at the same time. She told me that my happiness was hers as well and she finally let go of me. And I thanked her for that sacrifice. May she rest in peace…like your father.  
  
At first I thought of how stupid I was for letting go of Keiko and taking chances on an option which was not really offered to me. But then how can I continue to live a life full of lies and uncertainties? It was best that we separated ways, she deserved someone better than I am…someone who would love her in an extent higher than what she can give.  
  
I tried my luck and went to your father's old house in Kanagawa…he was there alright, with you too. You were just four years old then. You were the one who answered the door.   
  
You were such a smart kid, like Kaede, although apart from him, you were very tactful and energetic, you know too much in your young age. I'm so proud of you, and I know your father does as well.  
  
From day one to that time was 9 years spent in agony. It took 9 years for your father to finally let go of the past and start all over again.  
  
And I figured I should start with a clean record. I set my feelings aside and considered an honest, friendly relationship. And I was contented…  
  
Then I learned you were his biological child, from a woman named Yuki. Your mother and Kaede were not married, nor became real lovers. It was just a one night stand. But Kaede loved your mother. He would not agree to do such an act if he didn't hold any feelings at all. Kaede wanted to marry your mother, in fact, he insisted they get married, but she refused. Then finally Kaede learned your mother had a boyfriend in New York and was already engaged long before he knew him and said that everything was an accident. Kaede wanted the baby at least, refusing your mother's wish to have you aborted. And once she gave birth to you, she left to get married.  
  
Your father never saw her again, nor had her picture. He only drew her image to keep him reminded of her since he loved her so much…  
  
For the third time in my life…I again lost the life that was never mine.  
  
After yet a year, your father and I decided to live together…for companionship. You were tagged along as well, of course. We lived in Tokyo. Your father worked as a creative director and I as his senior art director in NHK. And we did earn a lot and merged our salaries into one account.   
  
You became close to me, in fact much closer than you are to your father. And even if your father didn't utter a word, I know he was getting jealous.  
  
Two more years had past, he was 29 and I was 30…you were 7, when he felt that he loved me back. It came as a surprise to me, as I already relinquished the thought of having a deeper relationship with your father. But old habits die hard, even as I bury my feelings 6 feet under, platonic isn't the word to describe what I feel for your father. It's something more profound than that.  
  
He confessed on the 13th day of February, the eve of my birthday. We were silently getting drunk, looking at the night sky, waiting for the stars to fade and the sun to come up, waiting for the 14th to celebrate my nativity. He said he didn't expect me to say something, nor think of what he said…he just said it and that's what's important, which was so typical of him…  
  
…and he gave me the best gift I had received in my entire life…  
  
…he gave it to me at a time when I actually started living.  
  
Soon after, the next years of my life became paradise. Living with you and your father changed my life. From living in the graveyard of solitary existence, my life now had meaning and direction. I lived not for merely existing but with a purpose…that is to take care of you and your father, make up for the years I wasted and make both of you happy.  
  
…which was exactly what your father said he felt in the years he spent with me…on the night before his death.  
  
Yes, he died…of chronic leukemia, as you already know. You did become a doctor because of your father's illness and never could we be ashamed of what you have accomplished.   
  
Your father was 59 when the doctors diagnosed the disorder. They said he only had 4 years left to live and he is lucky if he reached the maximum of 10. Your father never said anything, nor reacted to what those bastards said. He kept up with his character of being calm and reserved. I admire that in him a lot. For if it was me back then, I swear I had killed them head on. By merely hearing the results, I almost killed one of them, what more if it was me in his place? And Kaede? He did not even move a muscle, he stayed composed even if it wasn't a time to act that way…even if deep inside him, you know he feared death like everybody else.  
  
When we got home, he immediately went up to our room, saying he was tired. I followed him shortly only to be stopped by the sound of his silent cry. I figured I should leave him alone for the time being knowing that he doesn't want anyone to see him so helpless and vulnerable, especially you, his only daughter.  
  
That was the first…and last time I saw him cry.  
  
I did my best to save your father and you know that. Everyday I went to his doctor, forcing him to find a way to treat Kaede, which was, in reality, there's nothing that could be done. I was imprisoned for a day for causing a commotion in his doctor's clinic.   
  
I was crazy that your father's case was hopeless, and I lost control of my sanity.  
  
But never did I lose hope. I called for the best doctors in all parts of the world, visited different countries in search for a solution…but there was none. I never gave up not until your father asked me to stop…he was getting tired, he said and believed it was his fate…so he'll leave it at that.  
  
And so I did.  
  
Then we left Tokyo and settled in Hokkaido where we could enjoy the countryside environment and feel the peacefulness that was very uncommon in the city. That was not after we went to America for half a year to watch live NBA games the way your father wished he would do.   
  
…that was not after we had accomplished everything your father wanted to do.  
  
And everyday we would look at the night sky, like the way we did the on the night he told me he loved me. But this time we didn't get drunk and our youth had faded away. As much as I wanted to go up the rooftop to lie there naked with your father, scream at the top of my lungs of how much I loved him until my vocal chords gave away, no longer will my strength permit me to…I was 64 for Christ's sake and your father was usually exhausted due to his deteriorating health. I should carry him up if I really wanted to…and no longer can he be naked because he's easily cold…and everyday I see him turn paler and paler, growing weaker each passing minute. I cried everyday…yet only to myself, because I wanted him to know that his support was strong…even if deep down I'm dying with him. I figured that if I let him see that I'm helpless, he would weaken as well and finally lose hope.  
  
I took him out to the rooftop one night. I made a strong pulley so I won't have to carry him up. I arranged a birthday dinner for him as we watched the spectacular fireworks dance in the midnight sky…it was New Year's Day as well, he just turned 64 like me…which was his last birthday celebration.  
  
We silently talked about our lives…how much he regretted not loving me before and throwing away precious years that we could've spent together. But if there's one thing in his life he wouldn't be sorry about, it would have to be being your father. He regretted the heartache he had from your mother, hated his life of no direction and purpose, but never regretted you…which ironically makes him unregretful of everything. He just wished he had more time to spend with us. He made me promise that I won't shed a tear when the day of his departure comes…  
  
…I promised, yes…but I failed to keep it.   
  
He passed away on the 5th of July, lying in our bed, sleeping peacefully like an angel…he never woke up from the night before. I admit I became a little forceful on making him open his eyes, I thought he was just tired that he didn't want to open them…like he always said before.  
  
…I thought he just slept so deeply but will wake up any minute, punch me in the face and call me 'do'ahou' for waking him up…  
  
…I would've liked that better than what I had discovered that day.  
  
I checked his pulse, thought that it was severely weak nonetheless present…but no.  
  
I checked his breathing…and found none…  
  
…even so, I pretended that he was still there and I can still save him…but again, no…  
  
…not anymore.  
  
For the first time in my entire life, I lost the life that was already mine…and I cried.  
  
I'm sorry, Kaede.  
  
It's been 13 years since then, and now I'm about to follow your father. He said he'll wait for me, and I'm sure he will. He didn't break his promises and hated it if he would. He's a man of one word and does what he says…  
  
If he says he'll win, he will. If he says he'll wait, he'll wait…if he said he loved me, he loved me, and I love him more. In fact, I'm telling it to him now, because he's just here beside me…as he had always been in those past 13 years…"  
  
Tears shed out my eyes as my father looked into his side and smiled…to his side where there was no person at all. And so he was seeing my father…his spirit, ready to take him.  
  
"And you know what, your father wanted to tell you something that he didn't had a chance to tell…  
  
He said that I tell you he loved you so much. And wants you to understand that he's not very vocal and he was sorry to let you read between the lines which made you more confused than you already are. He wanted to tell you that he cared so much about you more than he cared for anybody else…even to me, for I envied you at some point for taking all his time…that's when you were still young, you might not even remember."  
  
More of my tears escaped as I listened to my father's husband…the truth is, I am not in good terms with my real dad. In fact, I rebelled him in my teenage years, married early to get away from home.   
  
What kept me from living there was because of this man in the hospital bed beside me. I looked at him as more of my biological father than my real dad. He was more expressive and spent most of his time playing with me when I was young…he was the one who took me to the parks and brought me to the movies every Sundays…he was the one who attended my school conferences and taught me my homeworks…while my real dad kept silent…taciturn and strict…and I misunderstood that as hatred because of my mom…when it was merely protection from the unsafe reality.   
  
I had mistaken his attitude of pure coldness as bitterness when it was his true nature.   
  
I had erroneously and remorsefully accused him of being bad father when all he did was to reach out to my closed heart…now I could only regret for not telling him that I'm sorry…and that I love him…and I thought that being a doctor could've been my compensation for everything…but it was not enough, and never will it be.  
  
"Your father said he wanted you to be happy, treat your children fairly and continue to be an excellent doctor. You should know how happy your dad was when you had chosen that profession. Every night he told me of how proud he was of what you had become and was sure you can save many lives because you are just so great…and intelligent like he is. You should keep that in mind, Kumiko-chan."  
  
Then I had the urge to ask, did my father really felt that way?  
  
"More than you'll ever know, my dear." My father replied, "He may look uncaring but in one corner he rejoices your success. In every life you save, he praises you more than you praise yourself. He's your father and you are his only child, no father can ever neglect their daughter…especially one as beautiful as you are."  
  
"Father," I said, "If you find him in heaven, tell him that I love him…and that now I understand him more than ever. It's regretful that I wasn't able to spend more time with him…but if I could only turn back time, I would tell him this very same thing all over again…and I'm sorry for hurting him."  
  
"Don't worry, Kumiko-chan. Your message had been heard. We will always watch you, my dear. So smile, okay?" he said as he held my hand, then he continued "I'd like you to always smile like I did. Never forget…that your father loves you so much. Now don't be sad, we will be patient in waiting for you there."  
  
Soon, he closed his eyes…that was the very last time I saw those blue orbs shining…this time in contentment. He had done the best in life and lived it with the man he loved…he was satisfied. He held my hand tightly and smiled for the last time, and before I knew it, he was gone…back to my father who he lost 13 years ago.  
  
I cried, not for fear…not for misery. I shed happy tears this time for I know both of my fathers met again and will continue their lost years in heaven.   
  
I shed happy tears for being reconciled with my biological father who I hated once in my life…  
  
…and I shed happy tears for my other dad, Sendoh Akira who, in the last minutes of his precious existence managed to recall the story of his life, when in truth that story he already forgot because he was aged.  
  
And so he left…my father, Sendoh Akira…yes that's who he is. The well admired basketball genius of Kanagawa as well as in the whole of Japan, a reliable teammate, a good friend, a loving father and husband…of Rukawa Kaede, my biological dad.  
  
And on this solitary day of April, I, Rukawa Kumiko am left alone. In the depths of my heart and in the cavern of my soul, I wish for peace and happiness for my fathers, Rukawa Kaede and Sendoh Akira. May you find each other in heaven and live peacefully as you two had always been…   
  
I love you both.  
  
The End.  
April 10, 2003  
A/N: Should I follow Sendoh now? Please review! 


End file.
